the BIG Jokes topic Part II

To anyone who’s into Music Theory:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.”

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development.” And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my todger to my testicles.’ It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ‘em,’ which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?’

The old Sergeant Major replied, ’ Basra .’

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Leeds, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

This is my new FAVOURITE JOKE…

youtube.com/watch?v=TkEdOJJkmCQ

What did the zen teacher say to the hot dog man?

“Make me one with everything.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

epic

The 5 FACTS

5 facts on Earth. Fact 1 : You can’t touch all your teeth with your tongue. Fact 2 : After reading fact 1 all fools will try it. Fact 3 : Now you will smile ‘cause you have become a fool. Fact 4 : Now you will tell this joke to other fools. Fact 5 : Fact 1 is false. Hello fool.

I love the Muffin joke, I was telling that at work today. That joke is so funny.

What do you call 1000 nuns in a shop?

Virgin megastore

‘My girlfriends a vegetarian, so for her birthday i bought her a ‘cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’ book. because not only is she a vegetarian…’

This may get deleted, but its worth a try, sorry if it offends , that is not the intention.

edited out …

– Hope you like =]

Did you here about the women who couldnt pay her excercisem bill…

She got repossesed.

merged :wnvoss:

Post all your funny jokes here

I got one:

So this guy gets a call from a doctor
and the doctor tells him “You need to come down to the hospital, you’re wife’s been in a accident”
so the guy goes down there
and the doctor tells him “Good news or Bad news first?”
and the guy says “Aw, give me the bad news”
The doctor says “Your wife is paralized, you have to feed her and dress her and bathe her”
and the guy replies saying “Aw shit what’s the good news?”
and the doctor says “I’m fucking with you, she’s dead”

I apologize in advance for the following:

So I say to my friend: “Hey, are you a Cartesian Dualist?”
He responds: “Nah, I don’t play Yu-Gi-Oh!.”

For the record, I don’t think it’s that funny either.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site one day when Paddy turns to Murphy and says “ey Paddy, watch this, I’ll betcha I can get the day off”

With that Paddy climbs to the top of the rafters and starts swinging off them shouting “I’m a lighbulb, I’m a Lightbulb”

Sure enough, the foreman comes along, tells Paddy he’s mad, to pack his tools and go home for the day.

Murphy, watching this, starts packing his tools too - the Foreman asks him “What d’ya think you’re doing then”

Murphy simply explains: “Well I’m not working in the dark!”

Maybe some IRC quotations?
1.
67% of women don’t use their brain at all…
I’m from that 13%
2.
That Maggie is such a btch
What???
Fck, wrong window
3.
There’s such a high pressure there that it’d blow your balls
I’m a girl
So it’d blow your brain
She’s a girl
4.
Hey, wanna talk?
<Fking your mom>Look at my nick
So?
<Fking your mom>Don’t you understand?
No, but let’s learn something about each other
<Fking your mom>But I know you
How?
<Fking your mom>Look at my nick
Dad?

Uhm, may want to keep teh content down there, kuba.

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There’s skid marks in front of the lawyer!

There’s a guy speedin’ down the road at nearly 100 mph, and this cop pulls him over. He says, “Alright, bud, what’s your excuse?”
And the driver says, “It wasn’t my fault, officer, my .22 was stuck under the brake.”
“Your .22? Uhm, can I see your license and registration papers?”
“This isn’t even my car. I stole it, killed the owner, and stuffed him in the trunk.”
The cop goes, “Uhhh,” and goes back to his car for backup.
He comes back with a whole bunch of these other officers. “He stole the car, shot the owner dead, and hid him in the the trunk!”
So the driver says, “What are you talkin’ 'bout?” and they check in the trunk, and there’s no dead guy. He shows them his papers and license, and he really does own the car. He gives the cop a glare and says, “I bet the liar said I was speeding, too!”

Not sure you’ll understand this: (it’s a php joke)

This is a corny chick joke but my kids love it (just make sure to change your voice with the characters)

Rooster decided that baby chicken is ready to become a “man”. Went to the bar

Daddy Rooster (with a deep voice) “Serve the strongest shot to my son!..(done) Son do you feel anything?”

Baby Chicken (with a little voice) “I don’t feel anything”

Daddy Rooster (with a mad deep voice) “What? Bartender give me another one but double… now son?”

Baby Chicken (with a fragile little voice) “I don’t feel anything”

Daddy Rooster (extra loud voice) “WTF, thats my son!, keep serving him!”

After 5 tries the father ask again

“Son do you feel anything now?”

The baby chick replied with a fragile crying little voice “I still don’t feel anything… I don’t feel my feet, I don’t feel my peak, I don’t feel my wings, I don’t feel anything”

For the physics geeks:
A professor is lecturing on angular momentum and, as a demonstration, is spinning on a chair with weights in each hand. However, he loses his balance is thrown off. He then apologizes for going off on a tangent.

One day, a peasant goes the mayor of the village.
-Good day, sir. I have an ugly name and I would like to change it.
-What is your name, if you say it’s so ugly?
-Jack D!c#h3@d.
-Oh, that’s an ugly name indeed. And what new name would you like?
-John D!c#h3@d

This is croatian joke about slovenians but you’ll get it, its an universal

There were three guys by the river…one was bosnian,one croatian and one slovenian.
they found gold fish…
Gold Fish: “look, there’s three of you so you get one wish per person
bosnian guy steps first;
Bosnian: “I want Bosnia to be the greatest country in the world, everyone rich and happy”
Gold Fish: “so it will be”
Slovenian: " i want all the non-slovenians out of the country,and then make a wall mile high so nobody can enter anymore”
Gold Fish: “so it will be”
Croatian: “Does the wall leak?”
Gold Fish: “uhm…no.”
Croatian:" good, fill it to the top! "