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the BIG Jokes topic Part II

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Termal
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PostPosted: Tue 19 Feb, 2008  Reply with quote

HebrewB wrote:
Another joke...

There were these two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble.
One day, Shut Up couldn't find Trouble and so went out looking for him.
While he was looking, a police car drove by and stopped.
He asked, "Hi, kid, what is your name?"
The boy answered him saying, "Shut Up.
" The cop, trying not to get upset, again says,
"Answer the question, what is your name ?"
Confused, he replies, "Shut Up!"
The policeman, now getting very agitated says, "okay kid, are you looking for trouble ?
" Shut Up, very excited, answers, "yeah, have you seen him ?"


Oh I know it with Shut up and Brain. Mom sent Brain to the shop. After boy is saying shut up cop came to his mother and said "What is his name" "Shut up" "Oh my god do you have brain" "Yes he is at the shop" colgate


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Mohegan
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PostPosted: Wed 27 Feb, 2008  Reply with quote

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"


=====

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken
among other injuries.
Someone. had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it
was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in
the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room
when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
Toilet??"

=====


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-***, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I s*** myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

======

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b**tard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f**king b**tard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b**tard. And every time I asked to borrow a f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"


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Mohegan
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PostPosted: Mon 10 Mar, 2008  Reply with quote

IN honour of the Testiez:


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:


'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'


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LadyBa
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PostPosted: Tue 11 Mar, 2008  Reply with quote

that's a wiccan one

which is the most blessed animal?
the blessed bee


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chickenleggz
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PostPosted: Fri 14 Mar, 2008  Reply with quote

this joke may be found in bad taste by some veiwers so if you want to read it go ahead

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)


also heres one i like to call "Tricking the machine"
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)


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Sakoda
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PostPosted: Tue 18 Mar, 2008  Reply with quote

the last one is really ... rolleyes and old .. it just expresses mans ambiguous relation to the machines he created .. (aa im turning freudian nuu)

So this guy is heading into his doctor’s office. Just as he’s about to enter, the door SLAMS open and a woman runs out screaming.

He’s a little baffled and concerned but proceeds in anyways. He gets inside and see’s the doctor. He asks, “What happened with her? Bad news?”

The doctor replies, “I just told her she was pregnant.”

“Is she?”

“No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”
:D


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Mr. Happy
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PostPosted: Sun 23 Mar, 2008  Reply with quote

This was actually said on television

"Because of the following special program "The Invisible Man" will not be seen tonight"


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Mohegan
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PostPosted: Tue 15 Apr, 2008  Reply with quote

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said
'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right You are!


Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.


She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards


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Mohegan
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PostPosted: Mon 21 Apr, 2008  Reply with quote

Woo double post.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

====

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have someof that straw to build my house?'


The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*** me!! A talking pig!'


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Wyvern
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PostPosted: Mon 21 Apr, 2008  Reply with quote

Mohegan wrote:

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
unsightly and dangerous.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

lach2

To anyone who's into Music Theory:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.


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Mohegan
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PostPosted: Tue 13 May, 2008  Reply with quote

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major replied, ' Basra .'


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The HB
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PostPosted: Tue 20 May, 2008  Reply with quote

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Leeds, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.



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Tundra
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PostPosted: Mon 26 May, 2008  Reply with quote

This is my new FAVOURITE JOKE...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkEdOJJkmCQ


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mattias
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PostPosted: Tue 27 May, 2008  Reply with quote

What did the zen teacher say to the hot dog man?

"Make me one with everything."

wink


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Traveler
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PostPosted: Thu 12 Jun, 2008  Reply with quote

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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