the BIG Jokes topic

My god sno_isulli that was hilarious!

“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.” :rofl: , I don’t even want to know the lesser miracles.

ROFL!! :rofl:
Great post sno_isulli! :good:

Glad to spread the laughter!!! :grin:

OMGWTFLOLBBQ that was great

. . .And more!

Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.

“One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.”

“You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.” (lol)

“Talc is found on rocks and on babies.”

“Isn’t inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?”

“The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.”

“When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.”

“When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.” (lol)

“Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.” (lol)

“While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.”

“Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.”

“South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.”

“Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.”

“A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.”

“There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.” (rofl)

“There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.”

“Lime is a green-tasting rock.”

“Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.”

“Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should.” (rofl)

“Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.” (omg, yeah)

“Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.”

“Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.”

“We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.”

“To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.”

“In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.”

“Clouds are high flying fogs.”

“I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.” (oh yes)

“Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.” (rofl)

“Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.”

“Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.”

“We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.”

“Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.”

“Rain is saved up in cloud banks.”

“In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.”

“Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.”

“The wind is like the air, only pushier.”

“A blizzard is when it snows sideways.”

“A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.”

“A monsoon is a French gentleman.”

“Thunder is a rich source of loudness.”

“Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.”

“It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.”

“Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.”

:tongue:

Few jokes, all dream related, probably crap…

1}After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

2}
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

3}“Doctor, I’m having that dream again,” the patient said.

“Oh? Which one?”

“The one where I’m into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality. Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?”

Ok, I promise the next time I post, I will have better jokes!

FUNNY WRITING SAMPLES

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

“Oh, Jason, take me!”; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
(D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill. ) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on
the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
mshe were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

:grin:

hehehe :cool_laugh:
that was great!

My brother loves Slashdot.com and has compiled all his favorite signatures from there. Thought I’d share some that I liked.

Slashdot Sigs Part 1 (there are a lot of them!)

Modesty is merely one of my infinite qualities"

Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in mud, after a while you realise the pig is enjoying it.
Don’t kid yourself. If a cow got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about

  • I don’t have a girlfriend but I do know a girl that would get mad if she heard me say that.

On Apple Input Peripherals: They’re okay, I guess, but I was really hoping for a one-key keyboard and a 109-button mouse

–"Don’t mind me, I’ve just spent the last two hours in alt.beer

– Power corrupts, but PowerPoint corrupts absolutely

Americans could not be more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel. -Dennis Miller

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein

There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

– I randomly moderate down people who describe their abuses of the mod and metamod system in their sigs. –

“I am not Spock”, said Leonard Nimoy. “And it is highly illogical of humans to assume so.”

Windows 1337+666 seemed to always do it for me…

alas and alack like a stab in the back i was back at the shack where i hacked and i cracked that stack

CAn’T CompreHend SARcaSm?

“so I have they”
Jesus christ, lay off the booze

“They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them! I don’t give a f*ck how crazy they are!”

Happy “bitter and single” day everyone!

Found in fortune file.
Tell me why the stars do shine
Tell me why the ivy twines
Tell me why the sky’s so blue
And I will tell you why I love you.
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine
Phototropism makes ivy twine
Rayleigh Scattering makes sky so blue
Sexual hormones are why I love you.
Roger Ebert always says: “What’s important is not what the movie is about; it’s how it manages to be about it.” I submit that this is even more true with fiction.

– What a rotten party, have we run out of beer or something?

Tigers respect lions, elephants and hippos. Maggots respect no one.

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson

Accidental Troll: I feel as strongly in favor of this post today as I will be violently against it tomorrow.

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.” - Democritus

I am not who you think you are.

I think, therefore I am…I think.

Everything I do, I do it for Lucy Liu.

  • My favorite error message: xscreensaver, running on an old Sparc 5 w/ 8bit color: bsod: Couldn’t allocate color Blue

noitacidem deen uoy siht daer nac uoy fI

The truth is more important than the facts.
-Frank Lloyd Wright

Happiness is just not enough for me. I demand Euphoria. -Calvin

“I’d love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned.”

“Of course I like women. Historically, man has always been attracted to Evil.”

  • Timothy McClanahan

"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me --ice cream koan

If Chaos Theory has taught us anything, it’s that we must kill all the butterflies.

---- Ahhh… a man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it from him before he cuts himself ----

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”; A southern fairytale begins “Y’All ain’t gunna believe this shit…”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” - George Carlin

There are three things certain in life: Death, Taxes and Amateur philosophers filling in the third category.

recognize something?

1337 is leet which stands for elite.

1337+666 is 2003 so i guess its talking about XP?

so windows 2003(elite+spawn of satan) seemed to always do it for me…

i dont get it…

I don’t know who’s sig it is, so I can’t tell ya. Nitpicky, nitpicky!

AH! 1!|<3, 570p p!(|<!^6 0^ //\3!

Okay, as best as I can translate it you said: stop picking on me. Right? I suck at reading 1337, that’s all there is to it!

i need medication…and its not cos i can read backwards…or cos I lick dogs…oh…wait…

Like I promised, here are the rest of Slashdot sigs.

Slashdot Sigs Part 2

That’d be nice, but no spam-filtration system is one hundred percent effective, unless you block everyone outside of your address book.
I’ve had total success with that method, but I’m a miserable curmudgeon who doesn’t want any new friends!

Even that’s not a guarantee. The biggest source of crap email for me is an endless stream of forwards from my father. I’m about ready to blacklist him.

People replying to my sig annoy me. That’s why I change it all the time.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull

Don’t waste time… procrastinate now!

There are 10 kinds of people-those who like tired, overused jokes and those who don’t.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t make you an artist.

“Shredded cabbage and mayo go good together.” Cole’s Law

Man: Dude . . . i just had a sweet idea.
Dude: Lay it on me man.
Man: You know how superman has all those crystals that he can like, plug into stuff in the fortress? and it like . . . does stuff?
Dude: That is totally sweet.
Man: Oh yah, i know - but what if, like, EACH one of those crystals was also . . . A FULLY FUNCTIONAL PEN!!!
Dude: . . . . You have just totally blown my mind man.
— and if you don’t like that, how about this —
Infinium Labs: Behold the majesty of our new, always on, super-terrific awesome badass pen computer thingy!
Person: um . . . that’s just a bunch of ball point pens shoved into a styrofoam block.
Infinium: LIES! don’t you see the battery?
Person: It’s just held on with scotch tape. you don’t even have a wire running to it or anything.
Lawyer: You will cease and desist from disparaging Infinium Labs.
Person: whatever.
Darl: excuse me gentlemen, but . . . would that be running linux by any chance?

Geek delusion #42:
The only reason girls avoid me is because they’re jealous of my supercomputer.

Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? – The Tasmanian Devil

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

Remember that what’s inside of you doesn’t matter because nobody can see it.

Smile, it makes everyone else wonder what you’re up to :smile:

Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
For those of you who don’t know the black speech of Mordor that translates roughtly into:
“One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them.
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them!”
It’s really embarassing when it goes off at Elrond’s place, so I usually leave it on vibrate.

“The time has come”, the Walrus said, “To talk of many things: Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings.”

Even a cabbage may look at a king.

As a fellow MMORPG player said it best: “They may be just pixels, but they are my pixels”.

This message was brought to you by the death of 30 brain cells.

There is no spoon. There is only Zuul.

All negative moderation to posts with sigs whining about bad moderation will be metamoderated as moderated correctly.

Willow: Have you googled her yet?
Xander: Willow, she’s only seventeen.

Beautiful. Only on Slashdot could a comment about Back to the Future in a discussion about fusion be labeled “informative”.

“The illiteracy level of our children are appalling.” - GW (Jan 23, 2004)

“It was a summer’s tale: Just a boy, his Linux, and a head full of dreams…”

“Lawernce, what would you do if you had a million dollars?”
“Two chicks at the same time”

If you’re the kind of person who would retire after the first couple million and spend the rest of your life knee-deep in booze and cheap women, you won’t ever have that kind of money!

This sentence’s period was stolen This sentence knows who took it:

You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.

Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.

“I am undoubtedly one of the fastest and worst typists on slashdot.” Don’t forget to add that to your resume.

Fear for the day when I dial a number on my phone and I press all the keys together and the Simpsons quote will come to mind:
“I’m sorry, your fingers are too fat to dial this number. If you would like to order a complimentary dialing wand please mash the keypad angrily now”
Or something like that.

And if my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wagon

I’m against the RIAA’s lawsuits. I think they should only sue people that listen to bad music in public, not homes.

© Kaki Sain, 2004. By reading this, you have illegally copied my property to your brain.

Like Daddy always said: if you can’t dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

HE HE HE HE HE. HE.

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

That’s classic. :grin:

Time to print it out and add it to “The Wall” in our office.

ordering a pizza in 2008

Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to place an order.”

Operator: “I must have your NIDN first, sir?”

Customer: “My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s
6102049998-45-54610.”

Operator: “Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number’s 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Your email address
is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?”

Customer: “Huh? I’m at home. Where d’ya get all this information?”

Operator: “We’re wired into the HSS, sir.”

Customer: “The HSS, what is that?”

Operator: “We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to your ordering time”

Customer: (Sighs) “Oh, well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.”

Operator: “I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.”

Customer: “Whaddya mean?”

Operator: “Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.”

Customer: “What?!?! What do you recommend, then?”

Operator: “You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like
it.”

Customer: “What makes you think I’d like something like that?”

Operator: “Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local
library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.”

Customer: “All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.”

Operator: “That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and
your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.”

Customer: “Lemme give you my credit card number.”

Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.”

Customer: “I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here.”
Operator: “That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account’s overdrawn
also.”

Customer: “Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?”

Operator: “We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you’re out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward.”

Customer: “Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?”

Operator: “It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank
yesterday”

Customer: Well, I’ll be a “@#%/$@&?#!&?#!”

Operator: "I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a
July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.
Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: “Will there be anything else, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter bottle of Coke”.

Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut!”

I’m trying this: 365 - (52 * 2) = 261
261 * (8 / 24) = 87 (you will be working non-stop during these days from now on)
87 * (22.5 / 24) = 81~ (coffee and lunch breaks removed)
81 - 19 = 62

This is actually totally wrong, the 19 holidays should be taken off at the start, but never mind… however you cut it, my calculations won’t fit the joke’s.