" can sometimes see parts of my room enshrouded in the darkness (like shadows) and sometimes the blackness gets “big” but I just can’t"
That reminds me, when im going to sleep, sometimes when my eyes are open in the dark and still some light, if i stare at something the darkness spreads until it all is pitch dark. But thats totally unrelated…hmm what you describe there seems akin to remote viewing. I dont know how to help you with the desire to open your eyes, never having had such experiences myself, of course assuming you do want to not have such so you can go deeper into that ‘blackness’ thing.
For me, whether or not im meditating or just going to bed, i always seem to forget about my eyelids. Though when i think on the eyelids at first i can never stop ‘feeling’ them closed you know? Hmm, one thing when im going to bed though, eventually i will be unsure as to whether or not my eyelids are open. But when imagery starts (almost always weird purple/blue blobs that sort of blend around and dissipate, like clouds, hard to keep track of) its like im seeing inside my head and not the backs of my eyelids.
When i meditate i always work on silencing my mind. At first this was hard because i never do that, but it gets easier with practice and time, in two ways. First is when youre just starting out each session, been thinking normally all day, but then as you start to do it and catch thoughts and return to utter stillness, thoughts intrude less and you get deeper. The other way is that as the days progress it will be easier and easier to silence your mind. When i first started out silencing my mind, i found it sooo hard and now its too easy, i can do it right here sitting. The trick is in catching thoughts that try to hide their identity, like you might be thinking about silence and not even know it. After that just let such thoughts go and do not feel like ‘awww stupid thoughts!’ cuz that resentment is in itself a thought.
Thats a gift that you can consciously observe your unconscious mind. I personally feel i need to work on that to understand myself better (improving though, its hard!). But yeah, when im going to bed there is chaos, and im not conscious, so i guess that would be my unconscious. On the rare occasions that i am conscious, its like i replace my unconscious self cuz things are a lot more calm, though upon reflection i think that my unconscious migrates to the imagery itself, cuz the surroundings are chaotic, though still containing some degree of linearity when im pulling a WILD. But another thing to note when im pulling a WILD is that my conscious self has a lot less thoughts, like its more just observant and aware but not cognizant.
Hmm i just realized that in normal waking life im not too aware of my unconscious mind. Though sometimes when i meditate or just feel ‘weird’ i am aware of my unconscious mind and all the weird symbolism of such (esp while interacting with other people when im more aware, like i’ll consciously catch on their unconscious intents and symbolism and wonder if they are conscious of it, esp if it differs from whats consciously going on).
Its like a nonstop conversation though, my own unconscious. If i become aware of it its like walking into a room where theres a small party and theres a bunch of people having all these conversations, while you are listening to all of them at once and trying to make sense of it. I think that in meditation, half the time i go thru this stage and somehow pass it, and the other half i never become aware of the unconscious ‘noise’ and just skip it altogether.
Hmm, but i think that thoughts come originally from the sub/unconscious. With the conscious and aware mind silent, you can just let go of thoughts that come from the unconscious. The two of us can both benefit from the ability to tune out stuff. Personally i already have some ability here, like tuning out loud noises…which is increasing cuz with half my sessions, i am ‘training’ meditation facing a very busy street maybe 20 feet away.
But anyways in conclusion, i think the losing of focus might be just the losing of consciousness. I personally think theres a difference between conscious thoughts and just plain consciousness. Consciousness in my opinion is something like an awareness or observance without thought or interpretation.