the BIG Jokes topic

One of my favorites, a list of actual car insurance claims

  1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
  9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
  14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
  17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
  19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
  20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

One day at the end of class little Stormy’s teacher had the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude with the moral of that
story.

The following day when the teacher asked for the first volunteer
to tell their story, little Lizzybelle raised her hand. “My dad owns a
farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” The teacher asked for the moral of the story and Lizzybelle replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next came Lindsyjo. “Well my dad owns a farm too and
every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” The teacher asked for the moral of the story and Lindsyjo replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Last was little Stormy. “My Uncle Bob fought in the Vietnam War;
his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete
and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed
the last ten with his bare hands.” Teacher looked in shock at Stormy and
asked what could possibly be the moral to the story. Stormy replied, “Don’t **** with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”

One of the best parts of MSN. . .News of the Weird. Here are two examples of the crippling stupidity in the world. Forgive the pun!

Criminals Dealing With Disabilities
William Basil Armstrong, 56, was charged with robbing the Clark Mart in Akron, Ohio, in May; he gave up partway through, though, and had to ask the clerk to please run out to Armstrong’s car and retrieve his oxygen tank, which he requires for a respiratory condition. And in November 2003, Mark Shleifer, 48, pleaded guilty in Doylestown, Pa., to possessing more than 1,000 pictures of child pornography, even though he is legally blind. [Akron Beacon Journal, 5-20-04] [The Intelligencer (Doylestown), 11-18-03]

====Apologies if these are a bit rude====

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”


A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases.

The doctor opened the first patient’s door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn’t have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock.

The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well.

Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, “What disease does this man have?” “Oh,” said the doctor, “He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.”


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail”. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”

:lmao:

Well, all I can tell here is a bad translation of a Russian joke… But I like it so much, though it is not very hilarious. Maybe, because I know from my experience, how realistic it is. I mean, I only dealt with ice-cream :happy: , but it must be pretty much the same, I believe…

So, a drug-addict man is sitting somewhere in the steppe. Suddenly he notices an old bottle on the ground not far from his feet. He has not many things to do this day, so he picks the bottle up. And, as he has not many things to do with the bottle, he opens it.
And here a genie comes out and says:
“Hey, man, you seem to be incredibly lucky, because I am a very powerful genie. I am the most powerful genie in the world, and I will fulfil any three wishes of you”.
“Can you do anything I want, really? Can you, for example, make a reefer?”
“Certainly, it is nothing to me. I am an extremely powerful genie!”
“Then make one… And one more for yourself”.
“Man, did you think enough? You only have three wishes, and you should not lose any one… Imagine, you can wish $100000, or a beautiful girl, or a car…”
“Are you going to fulfil wishes or to chatter? It’s my wish, do fulfil”
“All right, I’ll do it, just to limber up… But the next wish will be a real one, I hope”.
So, the genie made two reefers, they smoked them, sat there for a while… Then the genie says:
“Now, man, it’s time for you to say the second wish, and I hope you considered it longer then the first one”
“And can you do the same thing again?”
“Those stupid cigarettes again? Man, you have only two wishes left, but you can still order anything… A heap of gold and brilliants… A harem… A yacht… Why don’t you think over some more?”
“I told you my wish. I have such wishes, and it’s your job to perform them, whatever they were, so you must make two reefers when I tell you to!”
The genie fulfilled the second wish. They smoked… Some time passed… And the genie says:
“And now you must really think well, because the time to say your last wish came.”
“Well, two more reefers, will you?”
“Man!” — the genie yelled, fulfilling the third wish. — “I am several thousands years old, but I never met a fool like you. You had three wishes… You could be the richest man on the earth… You could have all the women in the world loving you… You could have everything! You could even live forever! I am the most powerful genie! And you, instead of all this, ordered that rubbish three_times!”
The genie finished smoking in silence and returned to his bottle, looking rather offended.
Some time passed, and the genie gets out of the bottle and says:
“Well, man, you might say one more wish as well…”

heres one, i hope its not offensive…
Why is a man smarter than a women when there having sex???

Because he’s plugged into the know-it-all!!!

what about gay jokes are they kool to post?

konnart, even though Im bisexuall, I feel that gay-jokes are oki. I mean, blonde jokes and so on are ok, why not gay-jokes? ^-^

Kool then, lets talk about them…
Two gays and two lesbians on a race from maine to florida in a car,
Who gets there first?

Answer: The two lesbo’s get there first because they do 69 all the way while the to gay guys are still at home packing there shit!!!

I tried to remember a funny joke without cussing… and did not succeed. :grinnn: Delete it if they are against the rules.

A man is walking in the park with his little son. Suddenly they see on the path two dogs, making new puppies, by all dogs’ habit. And the boy asks: “Dad, why are the doggies standing this way?”
The father thinks feverishly: “If I tell him, he will ask more questions… He is too young for all this…” :hmmm: So he says: “Well, this doggie, that is on the top, hurt his paw… And the second doggie is kind and agreed to help him to get home.”
No question follow, and they go on, the father happy that he won’t have to give a lecture on sexual culture here in the park, the son deep in thought. But, when they are already on their way home, the boys asks sadly: “Dad, and why are the kind always f%%%ed?”

A cowboy was encircled by Indians, and he had only one cartridge left. :sad: “Extremity”, he thinks, and his inner voice says: “No, cowboy, it’s not extremity yet… :smile: Shoot at the chief.”
The cowboy shot. The chief fell. And the inner voice says: “NOW it is extremity.”
In original, he used a much stronger word… No idea how to translate it… But even if I had, I might not place it here. Just trust me. :tongue:

Here’s something I’ve always loved.

Rum Cake Recipie

Ingredients: 1tsp sugar, 1 cup dried fruit, 1 tsp soda, 2 large eggs, lemon juice, 1 or 2 quarts rum, brown sugar, 1 cup butter, baking powder, and nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check the quality. Good, isn’t it?

Now proceed. Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right.

To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into glass and drink as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one seaspoon of thurgar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alright. Try another cup and open second quart if needed.

Add leggs, 2 cups fried druit, and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.

Sample rum again, check for tonscistricity.

Next sift 3 cups pepper or salt. (really doesn’t matter)

Sample rum.

Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice.

Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.

Add one bablespoon of brown sugar - or whatever color you find.

Wix mell.

Grease oven.

Turn cake pan to 350 gregrees.

Pour mess into boven and ake.

Check rum again and bo to ged.


Hope you enjoyed. Happy holiday baking!

Classic. I never get tired of stuff like that.

Who Needs Expensive Alarm Clocks?

Buy a cat. Feed it every morning at 7:30 or whenever it is that you need to get up.

Then throw out your cheesey $8 alarm clock. Your cat will take its place handily. No more oversleeping-- your cat doesn’t have a snooze bar!

Your cat can’t be turned off. You can’t forget to set your cat the night before. Even if you leave your cat outside, it will pound on your window until you wake up.

Your cat has a series of alarm modes with gradually increasing signal intensity:

* soft mews
* insistent meows
* insistent meows three inches from your face
* pats on your cheek
* four heavy paws planted in your chest
* claws in your face 

:grin:

I though with was funny. Not sure if it’s entirely appropriate.

WARNING:Contains bad language… quite a lot actually

www.blogjam.com/neil_armstrong/

Do you know what happened to the blonde that was raking leaves?

She fell down from the tree!

Kids Next Door.

My collection of jokes… and my website too:

https://tehspiff.atspace.com/jokes.html

Also,

A man is in a theatre sprawled out on three seats, lying there motionless. The usher comes by and sees the man there, taking up three seats.

“Uh, sir? You can’t take up three seats like that.”

The man doesn’t say anything.

“Sir? Get up right now or I’ll get the manager.”

The man still doesn’t say anything, so the usher gets the manager.

The manager says, “Sir! get up right now or we’ll contact the police.”

The man STILL doesn’t move, so finally the police come. The policeman says, “Hello, son.”

“Hello”, says the man still sprawled out on three seats.

“What’s your name, son?” says the policeman.

“Sam”

“Where ya from Sam?”

“The balcony.”

That was funny jokes, BranMuffin. :happy:

Yay, finally. I was beginning to think everyone disliked them in exactly six ways.