the BIG Jokes topic

Here’s something I’ve always loved.

Rum Cake Recipie

Ingredients: 1tsp sugar, 1 cup dried fruit, 1 tsp soda, 2 large eggs, lemon juice, 1 or 2 quarts rum, brown sugar, 1 cup butter, baking powder, and nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check the quality. Good, isn’t it?

Now proceed. Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right.

To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into glass and drink as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one seaspoon of thurgar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alright. Try another cup and open second quart if needed.

Add leggs, 2 cups fried druit, and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.

Sample rum again, check for tonscistricity.

Next sift 3 cups pepper or salt. (really doesn’t matter)

Sample rum.

Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice.

Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.

Add one bablespoon of brown sugar - or whatever color you find.

Wix mell.

Grease oven.

Turn cake pan to 350 gregrees.

Pour mess into boven and ake.

Check rum again and bo to ged.


Hope you enjoyed. Happy holiday baking!

Classic. I never get tired of stuff like that.

Who Needs Expensive Alarm Clocks?

Buy a cat. Feed it every morning at 7:30 or whenever it is that you need to get up.

Then throw out your cheesey $8 alarm clock. Your cat will take its place handily. No more oversleeping-- your cat doesn’t have a snooze bar!

Your cat can’t be turned off. You can’t forget to set your cat the night before. Even if you leave your cat outside, it will pound on your window until you wake up.

Your cat has a series of alarm modes with gradually increasing signal intensity:

* soft mews
* insistent meows
* insistent meows three inches from your face
* pats on your cheek
* four heavy paws planted in your chest
* claws in your face 

:grin:

I though with was funny. Not sure if it’s entirely appropriate.

WARNING:Contains bad language… quite a lot actually

www.blogjam.com/neil_armstrong/

Do you know what happened to the blonde that was raking leaves?

She fell down from the tree!

Kids Next Door.

My collection of jokes… and my website too:

https://tehspiff.atspace.com/jokes.html

Also,

A man is in a theatre sprawled out on three seats, lying there motionless. The usher comes by and sees the man there, taking up three seats.

“Uh, sir? You can’t take up three seats like that.”

The man doesn’t say anything.

“Sir? Get up right now or I’ll get the manager.”

The man still doesn’t say anything, so the usher gets the manager.

The manager says, “Sir! get up right now or we’ll contact the police.”

The man STILL doesn’t move, so finally the police come. The policeman says, “Hello, son.”

“Hello”, says the man still sprawled out on three seats.

“What’s your name, son?” says the policeman.

“Sam”

“Where ya from Sam?”

“The balcony.”

That was funny jokes, BranMuffin. :happy:

Yay, finally. I was beginning to think everyone disliked them in exactly six ways.

a dog was very sad. a friend of his noticed, and asked him what was wrong.
" I don’t know," said the dog " i’ve just felt so depressed lately."
" why don’t you see a shrink?" asked his friend.
"Oh, i couldn’t do that, said the dog, “you see, i’m not allowed onthe couch.”

oooooo i got one.

So a woman goes to the doctor hoping to get a mole on her butt off. So the doctor tells the woman to tae her clothes off then to put her bottom on the window.

The woman does it and asks the doctor what that was for. The doctor shruggs and says nothing i was just angry at my neighbors.

Oh man i love that joke!!! :tongue:

Hahahahaha. :content:

There are usually some fairly good jokes at ebaumsworld.com (they have an update every friday with 2-3 jokes along with funny videos and games). Most of them are slightly dirty though… Let’s see:

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.

“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”

another:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “Pig! ”The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, “Bitch!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Alright, this is from my friend weezerbr88

On Tuesday in Ms. Smith’s kindergarten class they were talking about careers that they would like to have when they older, and the small conversation developed into talking about what job the kid’s father’s had. So she asked around the room, and she got all of the normal answers; Fireman, Electronic, Garbageman, Ect.
So finally she gets to little Tommy, and she asks him “Tommy what does your dad do for a living?”
“Well, my dad works at a gay strip club where he takes off all of his clothes for money.”
Ms. Smith, who couldn’t beleive what Tommy had just said quickly made all of the kids get to work on coloring, then she brought tommy to a corner.
“Tommy, is that what your father really does” She asked him
“Well, no, I just didn’t want to embarass him…you see…He works for the Bush Administration.”

Classic.

Hah!

that one was busted by the mythbusters on the discovery channel… they tried all sorts of flammable liquids and none exploded…

A bad joke my math teacher told the class “A man walked into a bar, ow.”
Another bad math class joke would be the time the teacher used the zoo’s price discounts as an example about graphs. I said the zoo isn’t going to have a big graph, that would offend the senor citizens (who didn’t get a discount)…Proves the use of High School math in life…

These were posted on the isratrance forum:

A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first Singh answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second Singh smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?” Extremely frustrated at thi s point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the Singh replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

Famous Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:

  1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
  2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
  3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
  4. Repeat.
  5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
  8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
  9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
  10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  11. Pick fruit off floor
  12. Mix on the turner.
  13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
  15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a damn…
  16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
  17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
  18. Check the vodka
  19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  20. Add one table.
  21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
  22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over…
  23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner
  24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
  25. Fall into bed.
    CHERRY MISTMAS

[i]A Highway Patrol officer pulls Heisenburg over for speeding. He walks up to the driver side window and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenburg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”[/i]

I heard it in physics class. I thought it was funny, anyway :eh:

Lol :lmao:

A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong, so he calls the waiter over.

“Can you please taste the soup?”

“What’s wrong with the soup?”

“Just taste it.”

“Why?”

“Just taste it.”

“Sir, I…”

“Just taste it.”

“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”

“Exactly! Bring me a goddamn spoon!”

Kiss me, I’m toilet or
Kiss me I’m a toilet