Looking to gain awareness.
LD4all » General Lucidness

#1: Looking to gain awareness. Author: PappinAce PostPosted: Mon 06 Jan, 2020
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Hello all,

My name is Adam. Just joined here. On three or four occasions I have become spontaneously lucid, and I am hoping to live my life in a way that I can to turn this into a conscious process.

Something has been severely bothering me in my life and I will just go right into it. It's a bit of a long story. Read if you wish.

Today I was thinking about how strange it is that my girlfriend never shows up in my dreams. She left me over three years ago. After having time to reflect, I recognize that I behaved selfishly and deceitfully toward her during the course of our relationship, so I can not blame anybody else but myself for its deterioration. Now I am focused on making amends. I have not reached out to her because it's not for me to decide whether she will forgive me or not. Rather, I am simply focused on not behaving that way anymore. Also I'm trying to focus my energies into writing a novel, so that before I leave this body I can at least leave behind an expression of creativity that she would be proud of.

The relationship made a deep impact on me. We were together for only a year and a half, but it was the only time in my life that I felt content and free, at least before my destructive behaviors surfaced and began to sabotage things. When she left me I had moved across the country to start a job in a new city. So every day of the week from 8-5 I put on a 'mask' in the office, and over the weekends I had intermittent fits of uncontrolled sobbing. Instead of properly processing the loss, I fell into a drug addiction that has lasted until now. Today I am on my fourth week of recovery. I relapsed yesterday and today but I'm trying not to get too down on myself about it.

So, I have this essentially unprocessed loss of a relationship within me. Temporally I am so far removed from the event that I can't touch it with my waking consciousness, especially after having numbed my emotions so consistently through drug abuse. One would think that this would be something that often pops up in my subconscious, but it almost never does. In an attempt to 'induce' dreaming of her, I have intensely focused on memories of her, on how I felt when we were together, but they are very vague. One time she did show up in my dream, she was walking past me, distracted by her smart phone, and she only glanced up and gave a casual greeting as if she didn't recognize me. I was not lucid, and I didn't go after her. In another dream I was sitting in a tower doing some kind of menial customer service work, and had a vague awareness that she was sitting in a tower a little distance away from me, but again I failed to interact with her.

What does show up in my dreams, nearly every night, is one or both of my parents. My parents were abusive to me all my life, and still behave abusively whenever I see them, even when I contacted them in an attempt to mend things. In my dreams they continue to behave toward me in the same way they did in my childhood: trying to make me feel ashamed, pestering me, giving me hateful looks, and other such general toxic behavior. Though I have a relatively decent handle on my anger in waking consciousness, when this happens in my dreams I revert to childish behaviors. Sometimes my dream self screams at them in a rage, or I angrily attempt to explain to them why their behavior is sick. Either way I am poisoning myself and removing myself from my underlying sense of tranquility.

The presence of my parents is without a doubt my most common dream sign. Yet why can I not become lucid when I see them? I feel sick every time they show up. Does the subconscious need me to process this first, before I can move on to the girlfriend issue? How shall I keep my calm rather than behaving in such a purely reactive way? If I manage to become lucid next time I see one of my projections of my parents, shall I simply ask them what their problem is with me?

I'm just sick of living like this, never getting any peace during the night, and always waking up in a horrible mood. I feel I need to bring awareness into every moment of my waking life, so that this can translate into my sleep.

#2: What I think about this. Author: Q17 PostPosted: Mon 06 Jan, 2020
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I sometimes interpret dreams for people, although I am kind of new to it I have correctly interpreted the meanings of several of my own dreams, I think the dreams about your girlfreind mean that unless you reach out to her she will just keep going on with her life, I am not necessarily saying that you need to contact her now but at some point if you wish to make amends. The dreams about your parents show that you have unresolved trauma that makes you behave in a way you shouldn't, maybe that effected your relationship with your girlfreind, and maybe it makes you more inclined to take drugs. You need to resolve the trauma so it doesn't keep bubbling around in your consciousness disturbing you. Do you believe in God? Maybe ask God to help you. You should forgive your parents but at the same time don't hang out around them if they are toxic, let the past be past. You should pray to God if you believe in him. If you don't believe in God I wpuld suggest mantra meditation that has something to do with letting go of any anger you hold towards your parents. I feel like God is going to do more for you if you ask him because God helped me to get over my awful childhood. Not as bad as yours probably. If you do pray to God it is important(in my opinion) that you not think of him as a guy who sits on a throne dictating right and wrong but that if you believe in Jesus you see him as a brother and God as your father. If you see God as a dictator I don't think it will help. It is my opinion that being overly religious is not going to help as much as just having a pleasant conversation with God. This is all my opinion, please don't feel forced to agree with me as this is not my intent. If you don't want to talk to God I would once again suggest mantra meditation. Maybe realize that the past has no effect on now, the current state of the world is all that matters and the past no longer exists. I hope you find peace. I would recommend that you talk to your girlfriend, maybe she thinks you don't like her and is too nervous to reach out to you. If you reach our to her it might make things easier for her. Have you apologised to her? She might find it easier to forgive you if you apologized to her. I doubt much will happen unless you do or say something. If you feel so inclined ask God to help you quit drugs. Just me trying to be helpful smile smile smile

#3:  Author: PappinAce PostPosted: Tue 07 Jan, 2020
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Hi Chris, thank you for the kind words and detailed reply. I'm happy to hear that what you went through in your childhood is no longer affecting you.

You're very right, the past is not the now. It's almost as if my mind cannot differentiate past from present in the dream state, and does not seem to find it strange that I'm suddenly a child again, although in reality I am 31 years old. I try to remind myself every day that my parents, like all abusers, are ill. And I would not be upset with a cancer patient for having cancer. But from my dreams it would seem that I am still angry with them.

I do believe in God. This is recent for me because throughout the first 30 years of my life I believed in nihilism / atheism and I lived in a confused and disoriented state of mind. Though I believe, I still do not feel God in my everyday experience. This is another reason I am striving for lucidity in dreams. I am hoping that a that natural contact with God will happen during the dream state.

#4:  Author: Q17 PostPosted: Wed 08 Jan, 2020
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I have spoken to God and he has spoken back before in clear English but it hasn't happened in a while, I think he wants the relationship to go both ways and wants us to give back(from our hearts and not only in our actions), eventually it will be your turn to give back, being selfish isn't good for us and that is why he may want us to give to others. Hopefully this helps your relationship with God. No relationship is one sided even with God and he wants us to help others too as he helps us. May God bless you and give you whatever you need to handle your childhood and current journey through life. God never asks anything that is impossible. Maybe your subconscious mind has not fully forgiven them(was like that for me until recently) or maybe they are a metaphor for someone else who is like them in some way, maybe they are even a general metaphor for a traumatic or abusive relationship or trauma you have from somewhere else, still the most likely explanation is that you haven't fully forgiven them in your heart and deep portions of your mind. Think if there is anyone you aren't forgiving and pray that God will help you forgive them. In posting this I feel like I have learned more about God, myself, and what what I need to do on my heart somehow, maybe God helping me while I try to help you. The very advice I am giving to you will help me if I follow it more. I might be able to know more with more in depth information about your dream. I love talking to God and he may speak through dreams to, it is like a riddle and he likes giving riddles, look at the parables. Never think that a dream is too small to be at least partially from God. I had a weird dream where I was in a video game and killed a fire boss and he dropped feathers, in the dream they where as valuable as diamonds but I was picky and only took the most valueble ones, later a dream character told me not to be so picky and to finish collecting them since they where all valueble. I think this was a metaphor for friends, I was too picky about choosing friends, God can communicate in complicated ways to make things more fun. Watch John Paul Jacksons videos about dream interpretation, he had some usefull videos on the dreams and mysteries website. It should be found by searching "Dreams and Mysteries with John Paul Jackson" He helped me to interpret my dreams a lot. He died under some odd circumstances and I think he was taken out by Satan a few years ago. Maybe try asking God to help you forgive your parents in your subconscious, they sinned but God still loves them and wants to help them and know them better. I hope this helps. May God show you your path being a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path as David put it. Please ask me if you have any questions.



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